


Dr Snarky, Col. 3

by alltoseek



Series: Dr Snarky [3]
Category: Aubrey-Maturin Series - Patrick O'Brian
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2013-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-28 02:40:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/986698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alltoseek/pseuds/alltoseek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Early in his career, a certain physician sought to augment his meagre income as a ship's surgeon by writing a medical advice column.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dr Snarky, Col. 3

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at [perfect_duet](http://perfect-duet.livejournal.com/447008.html)

_Dear Dr Snarky,_

_Having at last found a most charming and wonderful lady who reciprocates my feelings with equal fervour, I have determined to leave behind my long-held bachelorhood. My concern is that of recent months I have become most painfully aware of a certain want of vigour, a certain debility – in regards to the marriage bed, you understand. Is there anything physic can do in such a case, or is it inevitable at my age? I have passed Horace's _lustra decem_ ; yet I have heard tell of elixirs and drops._

_\--Sir J_

 

Honourable Sir J,

It is not inevitable at all, not at any age, my dear sir. Consider Old Parr, who married fruitfully at age hundred and twenty-two, and was prosecuted for rape at an even later date.

Before you consider of elixirs and drops, which are nearly always mere mountebanks' frauds perpetrated upon trusting souls, the goths, I urge you consult in person a physician of repute. 

Additionally, do please consider whether marriage is the appropriate choice for you. Your recent increase in debility may not be entirely unrelated to your approaching nuptials.

 

*****

 

_Dr Snarky,_

_My niece is a flighty flibbertigibbet, a loose immoral woman with no sense of proper behaviour. Recently she settled down long enough for her husband to get her with child, but after the babe was born she resumed her capricious frivolous ways, entirely neglecting her poor little infant. Recently she has run off – again – goodness knows where, leaving no means of contacting her regarding the very natural concerns of caring for her child. Instead she has left the girl in the charge of a young person – one could hardly term her a lady, as she has no family, no antecedents, no references, will answer no questions about her past nor from whence she has come. A completely improper person to have the charge of a gentleman's daughter!_

_To make matters worse, this unfortunate child is an idiot, no doubt due to the callous neglectful way her mother treated her. I keep telling the Young Person that the child needs strict treatment to cure her of this self-indulgent behaviour. Additionally, as a blood relation, I am obviously far more suitable to oversee the child's upbringing than this complete stranger. However, this Young Person continually denies me access to my own grand-niece! Doctor, would you please assist me in gaining control over this sadly-neglected child and away from this uncaring usurper?_

_\--Mrs. C. W._

 

Ma'am,

If for one moment I could convince myself that strict treatment for self-indulgent behaviour could cure idiocy, I would strongly recommend that your interfering nosy busybody of a cruel self be locked up in chains, whipped severely, and fed on bread and water until you were cured of your officious meddlesome nature. I trust you will leave the child well alone in the care of her evidently excellent and kindly companion until such time as either of her parents returns to direct her future welfare. As they must be aware of your tendency towards noisome noxious intrusion I cannot imagine the wait will be a long one.

 

*****

 

_To the Honourable Dr Snarky,_

_I took a blow to the face from a sword some time ago. I received treatment from our skilful physician, and am now quite recovered, except sometimes my jaw becomes unhinged and I have to trouble the doctor again. Can you recommend anything to keep this from happening, so I do not have to take up the time of our most excellent ship's surgeon with my problem?_

_\--Yr Most Obdt Humble Servnt,  
T.P._

 

My Very Dear T.P.,

Never distress yourself whenever you require assistance from your doctor, joy. It is the physician's pleasure to attend to the injuries and illnesses, even those chronic or intermittent, which result from the dangerous work undertaken by honourable men such as yourself.

_Your_ most humble obedient servant,  
 **Dr Snarky**

 

*****  
Many thanks to Dr Snarky's editor, heather_mist

_Have a question for Dr Snarky? Comment here!_


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